It’s mid-July 2023. The planet is roasting. Society is tearing itself aside. We’re adrift in an ocean of nightmares, and God has deserted us—however we will nonetheless store, goddamnit. We’re a free individuals, with a constitutionally assured proper to ship cash to wealthy assholes for shit we don’t want.
Nothing you should purchase on Amazon will fill the opening on the heart of your being—not even on Prime Day!—however the merchandise beneath could aid you absolutely embrace your struggling. And with costs this low, you may’t afford not to be consumed by crippling despair.
An Amazon Prime Day Information to taking to your mattress
In the event you’re dedicated to surrendering to despondency, you’ll have to be ready to remain in mattress for weeks and even years at a time. So that you want one thing comfy to sleep on, like this Zinus Inexperienced Tea Reminiscence Foam Mattress. The layer of inexperienced tea and charcoal infused padding will maintain your mattress recent, even when you don’t bathe. It’s practically 30% off, and can impressed you to ruminate on the truth that the one who discovered easy methods to infuse inexperienced tea right into a mattress might be a millionaire. Why didn’t you consider that, fool?
Don’t fear a few mattress body or headboard—simply put it on the ground, that’s all you deserve! But do think about sheets. There’s one thing to be mentioned for traditional “naked mattress”-model despair, however you could possibly additionally indulge your self with these 1500 Thread Depend Egyptian sheets. They’re brown, to cover the stains.
Sheets could also be non-obligatory, however blackout curtains should not—you need your depression-hole as darkish as evening, on a regular basis, so blot out the solar with these Deconovo Blackout Curtains.
It’s possible you’ll be asking, “However gained’t I starve?” Maybe in a hopeful voice. Sorry. As a substitute you’ll cook dinner luxurious meals in mattress with this priced-to-move George Foreman grill. Its non-stick floor is giant sufficient to arrange a meal for the household, however it would additionally work for a single particular person nobody else cares about.
Talking of bodily wants, it’s time to ditch the pee-bottles and transfer as much as a Medline Drop Arm Commode. Having this child subsequent to the mattress makes relieving your self straightforward, and it’s Prime Day low-cost at solely $84.99.
Shopping for televisions is not going to aid you really feel much less haunted, however do it anyway
In the event you’re going to spend your life in mattress, you’re going to want no less than two good televisions. I like to recommend this SAMSUNG 85-Inch Class QLED 4K LS03B Sequence, and this LG 55-Inch Class OLED Objet Assortment Posé Sequence Sensible TV. They’re costly, however much less so due to the Prime Day sale, however don’t fear about it: put it them in your Amazon bank card and overlook it. There’s no future anyway.
After they arrive (courtesy of Amazon Prime’s free supply!) set them up on the ground. Preserve one locked to A&E Crime Central. It’s solely $0.99 for two months versus the common $4.99/month worth. Preserve the opposite set on Hallmark Motion pictures Now for a similar low worth.
Go away them each on all day and evening, however don’t have a look at them. Write your manifesto on the again of the overdue bank card invoice notices with these SAKURA Pigma Micron Fineliner Pens as an alternative.
It’s not all horrible. It’s solely nearly all horrible.
Life isn’t 100% despair. There are moments of connection and transcendent pleasure that reveal an underlying unity to all creation (or so I’ve learn). To maintain the sputtering flame of hope alive, buy this Fisher-Value Little Individuals Toddler Toy Journey Collectively Pal Ship Musical Playset. Stare on the tiny figures’ hopeful smiles and picture you could possibly be a part of Mia and Captain Beau on their tiny “Pal Ship” because it’s tossed about upon the infinite sea.
